Howlers- panic or pest

The howlers (as I affectionately call the pain like toothache in my joints) have woken me up every morning in the early hours for awhile now that I auto wake around the same time with or without them !

I try to avoid excessive painkiller use so zone out, visualise and focus on breathing but sometimes it doesn’t work and I resort to magic cream to ease the muscle ache….

About a week a month it flares up and it’s difficult to zone out I have the unattractive purple blue hue and toothache in my bones sometimes it goes quickly sometimes it doesn’t !

I am at the moment trying to decide if this flare is due to clubby and the howlers being a pest or actually my body panicking over the weekend…
And my decision to go on a date !

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The line up

Well I am regularly attending kickboxing classes have been since January, and I made the leap and decided to try grading 🙂

D day us April 6th ……

To say I am terrified would be a understatement and yet I don’t know why …..

Is it because If I start I won’t want to stop or is it if I do and fail I’ll never go back or maybe it’s still the old group class anxiety thing again ….

Which to be fair I have been over coming quite well….

I have attended Pilates, yoga, aqua and fitness classes even tried a crafting class so it should be easy ????

Well

tolerable!!!

To be fair I think if you ask people, the odd few who know me well, they would recognise my efforts at conquering my anxiety over both personal space, hugging for no reason mmmm whats that all about 😉

And group exercise, which to be fair has been a long standing problem, like most problems, my recovery method ….

Dump myself in and do it !

Because of this

The funniest class moment for me has to be when a sensi said “give me your hand”
Lots of conflicting thoughts and no sane reason to any of them so after looking at both hands and him and the hands my voice finally said “which one”

I often wonder if I look as barking mad as I feel when uncomfortable !!!

Although I am sure there are many more funnier moments in class for those who watch, as I have face planted the floor, wall and bag several times, in fact Annie suggested I train a way from the weights today due to my lack of balance and possible impending impaling 🙂

Still I am improving slowly….

Kata class will be soon be over taking press ups as my nemesis…..

And we won’t mention sparring !

But our sensi lined us up the other night and said we are all capable of black belts if we don’t quit looking up the line it’s an awful long way ….
So for now I do baby steps and see if I can get a red belt and the colour bug!

Lazy blogging and crisis of confidence…..

What do people really want to know about well life, mine the kids ….

Anything or nothing ?

According to the stats the most popular stuff has been my refurb and pikas random outing….

So what should I write or should I be openly writing at all….

I read an interesting blog some months ago about blogging mums and couldn’t For the life of me remember where I saved the link too….it was saying how we lack consideration for the feelings of our children when we make our lives public by blogging !

Which in turn has made blogging a difficult choice, do I be honest and open about how things are or is that unfair …..

I am still debating it …..

As a mum I am very aware there’s little I can do to stop my teenagers considering me an embarrassment,annoyance, bank or taxi!!!

So for a while a stopped blogging anything much or so i thought (drafts are being auto published) I have been well not so happy or positive !

Thanks to those who have stuck with it and me through my motivational dip!

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Yesterday was….

One of those days when being a hermit sounded like a great plan ….

All my trust anxiety and frustration was on overload ….

Many reasons,all the normal stuff but mostly because a good friends and family got let down by someone I’ve trusted and tried to support, and I am wondering if my anger and disappointment is with them or myself ..

Or those that still can’t see through the veneer….

And I realise it’s my Sense of responsibility to those I am close to and disappointment at myself for not seeing through the veneer earlier that sparks such a angry response at myself ….

So having processed all this I have begun putting right the problems for those I care about (as much I can) and calmly tried to distance myself alittle from those still involved !

Till atleast I get past the reactive, I want to throttle and shake ppl stage lol…

The time thieves

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All the positive vibes in the world can’t seem to move me today…

Because today I want to be a hermit ….

I am angry….

I am frustrated….

I feel more alone than ever before….

Sick of all those negative influences and time thieves that seem to steal my day and need to chip away at my confidence…..

Totally at a loss with broken promises from ‘professionals’ who have no clue !!!

But most of all I am sick to death of being the one that needs to pick up the pieces and having no one there to pick up mine…..