My plan…I lost it

I am feeling alittle sad,
but not jump off a cliff sad,
just more frustrated sad!
But rather than be grumpy or sad,
I am accepting I want more than my body wants to give and in order to get more I need to fight harder,
I need to be angry and frustrated,
I need to fight for this,
It needs to be the right kind of pain,
so if you see a partially sighted,
slightly deaf,
over weight,
arthritis riddled,
muppet running anywhere,
don’t laugh,
don’t speak,
just let me do this,
I don’t want to talk about it,
I don’t want to hear all the reasons I need to take more care of myself or rest more, they haven’t worked.
I need to run away from this condition,
I need to feel like….
Like I am doing the most I can do!
Cause right now,
I am just surviving,
Between pretending everything is okay,
Carrying on the usual schedule for the kids,
Whilst I watch their immune systems kicking them everyday,
Or their ADHD kicking me cause it’s hard to focus on the mundane,
Some way,
I am just surviving,
I don’t want to do that,
I don’t want to feel like I haven’t done enough,
I don’t want to be the crippled 40 year old,
Who can’t walk,
I remember being told that’s what I’d be,
So I need to stop the wallowing,
Stop listening to the I cants,
When’s the crap gonna stop piling on,
So I need a plan!
Last year running buddies helped,
But I dont want them,
Not this time,
I want to do this alone,
I want to prove to me I can motivate myself.

So I need a plan I need a goal,
I gave up my gmr place
because I thought I would fail alone,
Because everyday the howlers yell,
And now my eyes are going,
My hands,
My legs and
My hearing too,
My fear took over and I think I gave up the fight!
I need a goal,
I need feel I can do it,
I need a plan.
I can’t fix myself,
I can slow the progress,
I can reduce the flares,
I can fight.
I am scared !
I don’t want to be broken no one does !
we deal in our own ways !
I need a plan.
I need to run away from this so I can fight it !

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