Hating this elephant

Normally an animal lover,
to be fair I own two dogs
and a cat
but in the last few days,
my new pet has been an elephant,
Sitting squarely on my chest.
Thankfully the niggling cough that
Fidgets it’s fats ass
Up and down
Has now settled to an occasional bark,
Much like that of one of the dogs.
But still it’s sitting there
Waiting for any sign of exertion
Where by it snuggles in alittle deeper
So my lunch wants to revisit
And I feel the need to sit
So glad my backside rivals it’s own or comfort would be difficult
Unfortunately with a long run necessary this evening
I am one cross elephant owner
I really want it too leave.
Suggestions welcomed.

Flaring away

It’s nearly a week till the first major run/crawl and honestly I’m very sure the most I can manage is a crawl….

I am today sitting at six in the morning nursing a body that doesn’t want to function, breathing hurts!

And as much as I just want to curl up and cry that hurts too!!!

Really praying this passes before Sunday or I maybe letting my whole team down !

Tickets are booked, accommodation is booked, arrangements made 😦

Is it really wrong

Sad news today that the man robin Williams choose to close his final curtain and stay forever Peter Pan.

He was and always will be the poster child for ADHD such amazing talent.
His energy was always what appealed,
I will never know his personal struggle , I only know my own.

As an undiagnosed ADHD adult no matter what I have done has ever truly made me feel part of it, always feeling like the outsider looking in, not quite understanding the purpose to things.

I did a course recently for adults with ADHD, and I asked my group if they felt the same they replied with a resounded yes.

So it would see most of the ADHD community never feel accepted or part of something, always feeling different and striving to fit in.

So it seems the sense loneliness, of being different is in fact a feature to the condition.

That constant drive to try and fit in or be accepted, a whimsical ideal that it would be better off abandoned.
So why don’t we just do that???

I suppose the simplest answer is that we want to be loved.
We want to feel less alone.

We want to know when we are at our darkest someone has our back, will hold our hand, hug us a little tighter, or at our brightest be the one carrying a banner and whoop whooping us in the way in.

Someone who believes in us!

Now if we are sad or down people assume depression, or that we are broken and need fixing when in truth we are needing to grieve for lost opportunity or frustration at lack of skills, we should be allowed time to do so.

Especially when emotions are so challenging because they are intense.

Not everything needs fixing.

Anyway made me think alittle about the idea that suicide is a depressive thing. Is it always that?

Can someone just not decide that enough is enough, that they have done all they need to and don’t want too anymore so move on, do they have to be down or broken or is that our way of thinking, another guilt driven control factor.

It’s a curious thought not an intention just in case anyone feels the need to commit me.

Now most people I know will say it’s awful when a person commits suicide and it’s sad yes but I feel strongly that sometimes when we have had enough, fought our struggles enough, done enough or lived enough we should be able to choose….

Is that terribly wrong ?

If it wasn’t taboo would it be accepted as normal to choose ?

Naughty or nice list

Realising it’s twenty weeks till the big days Eve

I am dreading it

These past few months

Have been very Samson’ish

Giving my hair away, has appeared to make some people look at me differently.

See some strength or character.

But since then

Not a lot has honestly gone in my favour, and each time I think I am moving forward, or reach out for support, I get kicked back.

Determined not to be a victim I keep plodding on.

What worries me is I am losing motivation to bother.

But that’s my problem really, friends and coaches involved in my world all say I am strong, and every knock I keep getting up, they see strength I see another battle to face, what happens if I don’t see a reason too?

So should I be on the big mans naughty or nice list.

I believe I am firmly on the latter

Because the part of me that wants to give in is growing.

I am not depressed,
I am burnt out,
Tired,
And just plain frustrated.

Typical mid lifer

So if it’s coal, I’ll be warm and if I get ought else it’ll be shock, unless its a one way trip to the insanity place to be fair that would be a rest of sorts.

I am not giving up on life.

Just seeking a rest from being the strong one.

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