My plan…I lost it

I am feeling alittle sad,
but not jump off a cliff sad,
just more frustrated sad!
But rather than be grumpy or sad,
I am accepting I want more than my body wants to give and in order to get more I need to fight harder,
I need to be angry and frustrated,
I need to fight for this,
It needs to be the right kind of pain,
so if you see a partially sighted,
slightly deaf,
over weight,
arthritis riddled,
muppet running anywhere,
don’t laugh,
don’t speak,
just let me do this,
I don’t want to talk about it,
I don’t want to hear all the reasons I need to take more care of myself or rest more, they haven’t worked.
I need to run away from this condition,
I need to feel like….
Like I am doing the most I can do!
Cause right now,
I am just surviving,
Between pretending everything is okay,
Carrying on the usual schedule for the kids,
Whilst I watch their immune systems kicking them everyday,
Or their ADHD kicking me cause it’s hard to focus on the mundane,
Some way,
I am just surviving,
I don’t want to do that,
I don’t want to feel like I haven’t done enough,
I don’t want to be the crippled 40 year old,
Who can’t walk,
I remember being told that’s what I’d be,
So I need to stop the wallowing,
Stop listening to the I cants,
When’s the crap gonna stop piling on,
So I need a plan!
Last year running buddies helped,
But I dont want them,
Not this time,
I want to do this alone,
I want to prove to me I can motivate myself.

So I need a plan I need a goal,
I gave up my gmr place
because I thought I would fail alone,
Because everyday the howlers yell,
And now my eyes are going,
My hands,
My legs and
My hearing too,
My fear took over and I think I gave up the fight!
I need a goal,
I need feel I can do it,
I need a plan.
I can’t fix myself,
I can slow the progress,
I can reduce the flares,
I can fight.
I am scared !
I don’t want to be broken no one does !
we deal in our own ways !
I need a plan.
I need to run away from this so I can fight it !

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Happy days

So Thursday’s class makes four lessons, three runs and three walks I appear to have not done the raffle yet but I am getting there 🙂

A lovely friend and her daughter joined us to try out the class…

Go figure that sensei Steve decides tonight he needs to ramp the fitness levels up but to be fair to us he offered options –

group a – volunteers to do 10 of every exercise

Group b – 8 of each one!

Group c – 6 of every one hollered at the class!

Nearly everyone choose group a so reluctantly I did too I know I need to push myself ! But I saw my friend volunteering too and really wanted to say hey try a lower band but I was impressed at her commitment 🙂

Ten of everything – pushups, fist pushups, apex push ups, clapping push ups, sit ups, v sits, sprawls, gun drills…..

Yup cue screamy legs and shoulder !

Still I tried encouraging myself and friend but I think it’s difficult to seem enthusiastic when your body is offended 😉

After the core warm up on to tech and pad drills which I actually am beginning to enjoy 🙂

Watching the newbie ruth was actually good six months ago that was me and she really tried because that class was hard work it was quite intimidating!

I worried alot that, when I came out of my first classes if it wasn’t for The positivity of my running friends I would never have wanted to go back !
It hurts, I felt useless, unfit, unco ordinated and like it would never get better, if I am honest I still do sometimes ! Not as often though !

I really hope that she didnt feel like that!

We have agreed to help motivate each other to get fitter ……

The plan is….more dog walks and gym sessions in the pipe line 🙂