Mums guilt!

Parents of special People have a unique sense of love and loyalty to their children but also a deep rooted guilt for their suffering.

After all we made these beautiful creatures and half of there spliced genes are ours.

I produced beautiful children, even if I do say so myself, but they all have collected a furious amount of negative genes.

Between dodgy immune systems and joints with a healthy amount of ADHD/asd traits, I have often heard these statements

“Oh your single mmmm well it’s a lot to take on isn’t it?”

“Why did you have another?”

“Oh my god you just shouldn’t of had kids, look what you put them through”

Now all comments like that are at best hurtful, but I roll with them and am often found saying sarcastically that

“Yes I know, I just shouldn’t breed! ”


Instant embarrassed silence or awkward blustering.

What I wonder is do these people think realistically if I thought my kids would suffer this way I would of had them without trying to prevent the issues or find a different solutions!

So my answer to it is this, I feel
Huge guilt and distress at my children’s suffering, I work hard trying to ease there pain or difficulties, but every day I wish I could change their worlds.

They behave in often horrible ways not because they are horrible but because they process things in a different way to the average joe, they often are selfish and arrogant, again because they process things in their world through a filter that is very self effacing.

This doesn’t make life easy

This doesn’t make life comfortable but they are no less worthy of love or involvement.

Those that segregate themselves, children from real people and the differences that exist, merely increase the divide and teach their own children that they are some how superior to those that don’t function the same way.

Equality and understanding it seems somedays has not moved forward from the fifties.

I worry for my children, I worry that the constant rejection from society will eventually crush their spirits, I know it has effected my own.

But they are vibrant, impulsive, inattentive bundles of misunderstood joy.

My hope is one day they find people who embrace their quirks and accept the whole person.

In the mean time it’s business as usual


Is it really wrong

Sad news today that the man robin Williams choose to close his final curtain and stay forever Peter Pan.

He was and always will be the poster child for ADHD such amazing talent.
His energy was always what appealed,
I will never know his personal struggle , I only know my own.

As an undiagnosed ADHD adult no matter what I have done has ever truly made me feel part of it, always feeling like the outsider looking in, not quite understanding the purpose to things.

I did a course recently for adults with ADHD, and I asked my group if they felt the same they replied with a resounded yes.

So it would see most of the ADHD community never feel accepted or part of something, always feeling different and striving to fit in.

So it seems the sense loneliness, of being different is in fact a feature to the condition.

That constant drive to try and fit in or be accepted, a whimsical ideal that it would be better off abandoned.
So why don’t we just do that???

I suppose the simplest answer is that we want to be loved.
We want to feel less alone.

We want to know when we are at our darkest someone has our back, will hold our hand, hug us a little tighter, or at our brightest be the one carrying a banner and whoop whooping us in the way in.

Someone who believes in us!

Now if we are sad or down people assume depression, or that we are broken and need fixing when in truth we are needing to grieve for lost opportunity or frustration at lack of skills, we should be allowed time to do so.

Especially when emotions are so challenging because they are intense.

Not everything needs fixing.

Anyway made me think alittle about the idea that suicide is a depressive thing. Is it always that?

Can someone just not decide that enough is enough, that they have done all they need to and don’t want too anymore so move on, do they have to be down or broken or is that our way of thinking, another guilt driven control factor.

It’s a curious thought not an intention just in case anyone feels the need to commit me.

Now most people I know will say it’s awful when a person commits suicide and it’s sad yes but I feel strongly that sometimes when we have had enough, fought our struggles enough, done enough or lived enough we should be able to choose….

Is that terribly wrong ?

If it wasn’t taboo would it be accepted as normal to choose ?

Naughty or nice list

Realising it’s twenty weeks till the big days Eve

I am dreading it

These past few months

Have been very Samson’ish

Giving my hair away, has appeared to make some people look at me differently.

See some strength or character.

But since then

Not a lot has honestly gone in my favour, and each time I think I am moving forward, or reach out for support, I get kicked back.

Determined not to be a victim I keep plodding on.

What worries me is I am losing motivation to bother.

But that’s my problem really, friends and coaches involved in my world all say I am strong, and every knock I keep getting up, they see strength I see another battle to face, what happens if I don’t see a reason too?

So should I be on the big mans naughty or nice list.

I believe I am firmly on the latter

Because the part of me that wants to give in is growing.

I am not depressed,
I am burnt out,
And just plain frustrated.

Typical mid lifer

So if it’s coal, I’ll be warm and if I get ought else it’ll be shock, unless its a one way trip to the insanity place to be fair that would be a rest of sorts.

I am not giving up on life.

Just seeking a rest from being the strong one.


Ode to clubby

I am unsure why you plump out for periods of time and the mass of swollen flesh moves like a jelly on top of my foot, most days during a glare I blank and block you discomforting niggles, I raise my bed to try and reduce the jello but after three full weeks of daily wobbles the gripping and grumbling pain is starting to really frustrate me which makes mental blocking techniques difficult suppose that’s the joys if a vicious circle.
I woke at half three, four and five and have been sitting refusing to get up ever since but not because clubby but because of a bizarro belief I should stay in bed for rest purposes.
Raising my backside and off to start the day running
Sludgy mud runner!!!20140802-071941-26381515.jpg

Dark times carry a flashlight

It’s easy to stop around in a relationship for the good times,
It’s also easy to run away in the bad.
Nothing is ever easy
Dark times
Bring about a fight or flight
Sometimes a grey area in between

But it’s a testament of a person soul to know you can do both without attacking the person on the way out.
No one person can stand on a pedestal and proclaim perfection.
As a wife, mother, father, sister or friend.
Everyone has fault for the things that go wrong.
As long as you can look in the mirror knowing you did your best you can do no more.
So forever forwards
Turn the page.
Carry a flash light
And just keep swimming through the mud.