Mums guilt!

Parents of special People have a unique sense of love and loyalty to their children but also a deep rooted guilt for their suffering.

After all we made these beautiful creatures and half of there spliced genes are ours.

I produced beautiful children, even if I do say so myself, but they all have collected a furious amount of negative genes.

Between dodgy immune systems and joints with a healthy amount of ADHD/asd traits, I have often heard these statements

“Oh your single mmmm well it’s a lot to take on isn’t it?”

“Why did you have another?”

“Oh my god you just shouldn’t of had kids, look what you put them through”

Now all comments like that are at best hurtful, but I roll with them and am often found saying sarcastically that

“Yes I know, I just shouldn’t breed! ”


Instant embarrassed silence or awkward blustering.

What I wonder is do these people think realistically if I thought my kids would suffer this way I would of had them without trying to prevent the issues or find a different solutions!

So my answer to it is this, I feel
Huge guilt and distress at my children’s suffering, I work hard trying to ease there pain or difficulties, but every day I wish I could change their worlds.

They behave in often horrible ways not because they are horrible but because they process things in a different way to the average joe, they often are selfish and arrogant, again because they process things in their world through a filter that is very self effacing.

This doesn’t make life easy

This doesn’t make life comfortable but they are no less worthy of love or involvement.

Those that segregate themselves, children from real people and the differences that exist, merely increase the divide and teach their own children that they are some how superior to those that don’t function the same way.

Equality and understanding it seems somedays has not moved forward from the fifties.

I worry for my children, I worry that the constant rejection from society will eventually crush their spirits, I know it has effected my own.

But they are vibrant, impulsive, inattentive bundles of misunderstood joy.

My hope is one day they find people who embrace their quirks and accept the whole person.

In the mean time it’s business as usual


Is it really wrong

Sad news today that the man robin Williams choose to close his final curtain and stay forever Peter Pan.

He was and always will be the poster child for ADHD such amazing talent.
His energy was always what appealed,
I will never know his personal struggle , I only know my own.

As an undiagnosed ADHD adult no matter what I have done has ever truly made me feel part of it, always feeling like the outsider looking in, not quite understanding the purpose to things.

I did a course recently for adults with ADHD, and I asked my group if they felt the same they replied with a resounded yes.

So it would see most of the ADHD community never feel accepted or part of something, always feeling different and striving to fit in.

So it seems the sense loneliness, of being different is in fact a feature to the condition.

That constant drive to try and fit in or be accepted, a whimsical ideal that it would be better off abandoned.
So why don’t we just do that???

I suppose the simplest answer is that we want to be loved.
We want to feel less alone.

We want to know when we are at our darkest someone has our back, will hold our hand, hug us a little tighter, or at our brightest be the one carrying a banner and whoop whooping us in the way in.

Someone who believes in us!

Now if we are sad or down people assume depression, or that we are broken and need fixing when in truth we are needing to grieve for lost opportunity or frustration at lack of skills, we should be allowed time to do so.

Especially when emotions are so challenging because they are intense.

Not everything needs fixing.

Anyway made me think alittle about the idea that suicide is a depressive thing. Is it always that?

Can someone just not decide that enough is enough, that they have done all they need to and don’t want too anymore so move on, do they have to be down or broken or is that our way of thinking, another guilt driven control factor.

It’s a curious thought not an intention just in case anyone feels the need to commit me.

Now most people I know will say it’s awful when a person commits suicide and it’s sad yes but I feel strongly that sometimes when we have had enough, fought our struggles enough, done enough or lived enough we should be able to choose….

Is that terribly wrong ?

If it wasn’t taboo would it be accepted as normal to choose ?

I am Borg :)

I am well aware that I sit here an undiagnosed ADHD adult.

A condition which sits happily somewhere under an umberella of co morbidities including Autism, I am also a survivor of abuse and domestic violence, I am ashamed of none of this, It is merely part of what makes me !

I have been described as the Borg queen by kind members of my nearest and dearest due to my odd mix of saying what I think, my fierce independence and reserved emotions!
Also the dislike of people touching me that I have not invited into my personal space although in recent years my friends have quite literally been shocked when I volunteered a hug which proved it was quite a thing in past !


Having seen the picture I see the resemblance in skin colour and soon to be hair style lol

I am not void of emotion I love cuddles and contact from those I allow in my personal space however I am just very aware of my own need for honesty and clarity !

And an opinionated old girl :/

People frustrate each other by both saying what they think or with holding that information and thinking themselves kind for doing so, yet by doing the latter they do themselves no favours as their body language and tone doesn’t match the content of their own words..

So the communication often ends up in a merry dance where the receiver is fully aware that the information is false or misleading and spends time either feeling mistrust or seeking confirmation which is usual repeated over and over the whole protesting too much story!

We have all been there !

“Yes that dress looks lovely”
said without any conviction, how quick do u change?

So what’s the point in false information ?

And what right does a person have to assume your too weak to deal with the truth or to stupid to realise someone is trying to play you.

I know I am not perfect and completely guilty of using this method, trust me when I say, it frustrates me and I feel dishonest, which is why I try not too and then get told I don’t have feelings or

I am Outspoken !
(I am)

Honestly I do get offended by comments, as I know others do, that I have made (not my intention) but I will say I am offended but respect that persons opinion.

I understand my need for clarity and honesty is extreme and maybe a little Borg ish 😉

However I do not wish to assimilate anyone just seek understanding and the ability to be just me!

So in essence I accept that assumption or opinion of me, it no longer offends me as I also embrace and understand my reasons for it !

I am Borg !


Considering the dojo

Or more likely terrified by it !

I miss it but honestly can think how to manage the bag holding and press ups when the combination tore my muscle and it’s taken 18 mins to recover nearly all the use back!

Suggestions welcomed….

Whilst thinking, following and watching….

My bestie a black belt in another discipline found this blocking break down ….


My plan…I lost it

I am feeling alittle sad,
but not jump off a cliff sad,
just more frustrated sad!
But rather than be grumpy or sad,
I am accepting I want more than my body wants to give and in order to get more I need to fight harder,
I need to be angry and frustrated,
I need to fight for this,
It needs to be the right kind of pain,
so if you see a partially sighted,
slightly deaf,
over weight,
arthritis riddled,
muppet running anywhere,
don’t laugh,
don’t speak,
just let me do this,
I don’t want to talk about it,
I don’t want to hear all the reasons I need to take more care of myself or rest more, they haven’t worked.
I need to run away from this condition,
I need to feel like….
Like I am doing the most I can do!
Cause right now,
I am just surviving,
Between pretending everything is okay,
Carrying on the usual schedule for the kids,
Whilst I watch their immune systems kicking them everyday,
Or their ADHD kicking me cause it’s hard to focus on the mundane,
Some way,
I am just surviving,
I don’t want to do that,
I don’t want to feel like I haven’t done enough,
I don’t want to be the crippled 40 year old,
Who can’t walk,
I remember being told that’s what I’d be,
So I need to stop the wallowing,
Stop listening to the I cants,
When’s the crap gonna stop piling on,
So I need a plan!
Last year running buddies helped,
But I dont want them,
Not this time,
I want to do this alone,
I want to prove to me I can motivate myself.

So I need a plan I need a goal,
I gave up my gmr place
because I thought I would fail alone,
Because everyday the howlers yell,
And now my eyes are going,
My hands,
My legs and
My hearing too,
My fear took over and I think I gave up the fight!
I need a goal,
I need feel I can do it,
I need a plan.
I can’t fix myself,
I can slow the progress,
I can reduce the flares,
I can fight.
I am scared !
I don’t want to be broken no one does !
we deal in our own ways !
I need a plan.
I need to run away from this so I can fight it !